In the Silence

Taking a risk

2012-02-10T14:44:00.000-08:00

My family used to get together for memorial day or the fourth of July and take a little trip to a park called Highland Park, located in Highland Park. We would have our family picnics there and we would all bring our bikes because on the other side of the park was this very steep hill that gave us the biggest adrenaline rush ever. Looking back at it, it's a miracle that no one ever was sent to the hospital. Actually, it was very stupid of us. We would get to the top of the hill start biking down and then lift our feet up because we could no longer pedal due to how fast we were going. Sometimes if we felt we were losing control we would go in to the grass and just throw ourselves down because we would have gotten hurt if we kept going down. At the time I must have been 10/11 yrs old.

If you were to ask me to do that again now, I would tell you that you're out of your mind and walk away.

I want to reach that point of risk-taking that I used to have. I want to be like I used to be when I was younger and take risks and not care about what COULD happen, but believe that everything would be okay when I reach the bottom of the hill. That even if I know that something bad might happen, I simply steer into grassy areas and start climbing that hill again to complete my goal.

I've lately been so frustrated at what my life has turned out to be. I've had resentment, to a certain point, toward all those who get everything handed to them and dont appreciate what they have in front of them. One of my biggest dreams right now and biggest desire is to go back to school. I long to be back in a classroom and just learn about everything and anything. Everytime I think I'm close enough life gets in the way. After quite sometime of being out of school, I find myself at the top of the hill wondering if I'll ever have the chance to reach the finish line, the bottom of the hill. I find myself watching others reach that finish line as I stay up there. My other prayer is to have the guts to fall in love. I watch others fall in love and feel the adrenaline rush as I keep chickening out because I'm too busy "guarding" my heart. I don't want to get scratched up or bruised up, but honestly the only thing that happens is that I watch others have the time of their life as I stay on top of the hill because I'm too scared to go down.

I've been on top of this "hill" for quite a while. Too scared to go anywhere. Stuck in the same place. But I can hear a voice in my head telling "Get on that bike and start pedaling". I have no idea what God has in store, but I know that I'm tired of seeing everyone reach the finish line. I realize now that I have to go back to the attitude I used to have when I was a younger girl and not even care about what the outcome might be, but to go down the hill carefree and believe with all my heart that I will be okay.

It's time to start pedaling.

Mr. Not-So-Right

2012-02-08T11:38:00.000-08:00

Girls have always been taught to look for Mr. Right either by our parents or Disney movies we saw when we were little ones. As girls get older they still seem to have that whole scene in their head when Prince Charming and Cinderella get married and the whole town is celebrating. As a christian girl, we are even more drilled with all the qualities and requirements a man should posses before we even consider him. Our "callings" have to be compatible. His ministry should compliment mine. Prayer warrior. etc.

And thats on top of the whole blue eyes, brown hair thing we search after.

The more..alone I find myself the more I find myself cutting down my list of requirements. Not because I want to settle for anything, but because I realize that there is only one thing that matters: at the end of the day we are in Gods perfect will, and we are two instruments he put together to glorify him in anything we do.

Im looking for Mr. Not-So-Right. I don't want a human Ken doll, I want someone who is a real as it gets. He's going to have to be brave because I refuse to kill any insects in our home. He's going to have to be tall because I'm only 5 ft tall, who else is going to reach things for me? He's going to have to be a prayer warrior, because I guarantee that there are going to be days he wishes he could escape from me, hahaha. He's going to have to be strong for when we have wrestling matches. He's going to have to have alot of energy because... we will be staying up till the crack of dawn sometimes. :). He has to have a sense of humor because I am the biggest dork and my dancing and singing around the house wont be too amazing. He's going to have love God because that will be the glue in our marriage.

I don't want someone who checks off all the requirements on my list. I want someone who simply gets me. Who loves the things I love because he loves me, not because we are doing the same thing. Perfect men don't exist, but real men do. I am nowhere near perfect and thats how I want him to love me. Girls who expect perfect will waste years looking for it, because there is no such thing.

I'm waiting for my Mr. Not-So-Right :)

My Little World, Now Complete

2012-01-31T20:59:00.000-08:00

One story that I will never forget, that my father will never let me forget, is the one of when I was born. Everytime its my birthday or I'm really sick he gives me the same speech and story. I was born with asthma, and was having trouble breathing. My mother didn't know anything because she was knocked out by all the drugs due to the c-section. They told my father that I was having trouble breathing, and they were doing everything possible to help me. He then did the best thing he could- pray. He told God that if he let me live he would dedicate my life to being a worshiper.

I lived. I never had asthma growing up.

I never quite understood why I loved singing, or dancing. Im not the best at either, but theres something inside that ignites in my entire body when I do. The way I feel during worship, like it just pours out. The way I feel when I dance, how natural it feels. Whenever I was punished/sat down from ministry, those were the two ministry where I always felt my heart break when I saw them in action. And trust, I've had my heart broken quite a few times.

Today I put my dance slippers on for the first time since summer of 2010. I have to say, that when I did, my whole world felt like it was finally complete. I felt like I knew for the first time, that everything was going to be alright. Dancing tonight was a blessing because its a part of who I am, naturally. Worshipping is a part of who I am, because it's inside of me.

I never thought a pair of slippers would bring the joy it did tonight.

Im so happy. I don't think I will get any sleep.

Bottles and Spoons

2012-01-04T19:37:00.000-08:00

Living in today's world, we are used to living life like a competition. We have to have the better house, the better car, go to the most expensive schools, wear the biggest name brands. It's a lifestyle of "reaching the top", of climbing up the social ladder, and messing up a couple people on the way.

Although this is a way of life in the 21st century, it seems to have become a way of life for many pastors/ministers/teachers. They want to get the latest revelation, a reason to be quoted, a reason to write a book that will "impact" many others. They treat the bible as a way for God to make THEM greater, instead of using it to make the name of God great. I see this on facebook, twitter, and blogs:

God is love, love is God.
- (insert name here)

And their groupies are quick to quote them, quick to like their status, or quick to comment. I think it's an issue when the people cannot see for themselves that these "revelations" are simple scriptures God gave to EVERYONE, so that we can learn to fend for our own salvation. Yet many pastors feel like they are the chosen ones, the only ones God can speak to. Don't misunderstand my blog, because obviously God has placed pastors, apostles, teachers, and other ministers to be able to minister to us. I have these people in my life, whom I look up to and respect as men and women of God that have been placed to feed me spiritually. My problem is with men/women who put themselves on a pedastal, abusing the authority God has given them.

These men/women make others feel like God can't speak to them. THEY alone can enter the holy of holies, and no other can be on their level. They are, for better lack of words, untouchable. They pray 10 hours a day. Fast 30 days out of the month. Seclude themselves from the world.

I think they might be just as holy as Jesus.

YES! I am being sarcastic. Sometimes I want to reply "duh!". But this is my only cry: that people read their bible. We have so many baby christians in the churches because they refuse to practice how to "hold their bottle, and grab their spoons". Have you ever seen babies try to feed themselves? at first they create the biggest mess in the world! but with practice and time they eventually get it right and then the job of the parents becomes simple: present them with the food, and they can feed themselves.

Paul says it best in 1 Corinthians 1:17

For Christ didn't send me to baptize, but to preach the Good News--and not with clever speech, for fear that the cross of Christ would lose its power.

Many pastors put in their extra 12 points into the promises of God that make it more difficult, and sometimes impossible to walk a life of holiness because we don't measure up to their "requirements". But how much easier would it be to live a life of holiness if we all knew to just open our bible, read it, and ask the holy spirit to help us understand the words, the revelations, at hand?

Those in authority in our lives have just one job: to preach the good news. What we do with that information is entirely up to us. Don't be so dependant on your pastors and leaders because at the end of the day its just you and God. These "amazing revelations" are all in your bible! True leaders will push you to feed yourselves, and never make you feel like you cant do it on your own. Could you imagine if parents scolded their children for trying to learn how to feed themselves?

Revelations in the word of God are beautiful when they come, but they aren't only made for those who claim that God has chosen them only. They are for everyone, who would just take their time to read their sword. The power to understand it is in you already, and it only gets easier with the holy spirit. Learn to depend on HIM. Learn to feed yourself.

Calling my name

2012-01-01T20:42:00.000-08:00

Finding out your calling is the hardest thing to do when you don't have a clear vision of who you are or where God is taking you. Many go through their lives not even tapping into what God had planned for them, probably because no one brought it out of them or because they rejected the idea of who they were meant to be.

I have always known what I am supposed to be. I remember being a little 5 yr old and watching my dad preach at our church,I would feel this...bubbling in my self. I would then go home to my barbies, arrange them in their chairs and pretend to teach them the word. When I got my little baby sister I was so excited that I could graduate from teaching barbies to teaching a human that I would force her to sit down and listen to the "teaching of the day". While some people sang in the shower, I preached in the shower. At the Age of 13 I joined my church's Childrens Church and begin to teach them the word. At the age of 16 I had my own classroom and I could remember thinking that life just couldn't get any better. I went to bible college for what I thought would be praise and worship ministry, but ended the semester knowing what I was called to do.

PREACH.

Through many ups and downs I knew that one thing remained unchanged: THE WORD. Through many counsels and advice that didn't make sense the majority of the time, the word of God has been my life saver. When my family's world was falling apart because of financial circumstances, God's promises gave me hope. When friends and family relationships fell apart, God's word promised me I would never be alone. When I was all alone in college God's word said my steps were ordered. When I thought I knew all, God revealed more through his word.

The bible has been my sword, but it has also been the way I trust in God in my past, present, and future. It has been a tool that has allowed me to know God in an intimate way. The bible has been God's personal love letter to me, and a form of correction also.

2 Timothy 3:16 says
"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness."

I have personally seen how many people use the word of God for manipulation and their own agenda. Sometimes I wish I could transform into a "Xena" the warrior princess and just be done with all who use the word in ways like this. I have seen how they made the word into a weapon to make having a relationship with God almost impossible. I call this the "38797 Step Plan". The number always changes because they always add more steps.

My goal, my dream, my desire, my passion, is to bring people to God through the word. That they see God as a savior, and someone who is completely in love with them. To bring restoration in brokeness. To bring peace in chaos. To show love in hatred. To present relationship with God in distance.

To teach, rebuke, correct, and train.

The path is not going to be easy. The process will be one of endurance. But, when something is a part of you it just pours out and...

I don't know how much longer I can wait. =]

Leaving Ur

2012-01-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

2011 is over.

Many people usually wait for the end of the year to realize all the mistakes and regrets and make new year's resolutions to make sure they don't repeat them again. I have done that for the past who knows how many years, and each and everytime I failed. This year, for once in my life, I didn't have any regrets. I didn't want the year to end.

Not to say that mistakes weren't made, because plenty were. I had loved the wrong people, let in the wrong people, I had invested all my energy in many friendships and potential relationships that were bound to fail from the get go. I made mistakes, but how can you look at the mistakes when so much good has also taken place in your life?

This year I left my Ur. A place that I never fit into, and yet it was my whole life. I longed and longed to be in a place where I knew that God had called me to, but fear kept me from ever moving. Finally God made the way, not in the way I expected, but nevertheless He made the way. My whole was completely turned upside down. In the bible, God tells abraham to leave his country, leave his family, everything in the past. In 2011, God told me to leave my past too.

Leaving Ur, I found myself when I left everything behind. I learned how to be independent, and yet to at the same time how to depend on others. I learned the true meaning of family, all the while I far away from mine. I learned how to be myself in a place where no one knew me. I learned how to worship extravagantly while no one was watching. I learned how to fend for myself while many held me up. I learned to walk the path God called me to, while many pushed me along the way. I learned the true meaning of happiness through brokeness and tears. It has been the hardest process being alone and learning to walk by myself, and yet having so many people around me who genuinely love me.

While I am writting this tears fall down my face because I can't believe I made it through again. I see the path more clearer than I have before. I am still scared, because life hasn't quite made sense and I know it will continue to surprise me at every turn. No matter what life brings ahead, I refuse to be like Lot's wife, who when God commanded the no one look back, she did and turned into a pillar of salt. I have nothing to look back to but broken dreams and shatter esteem. In my past lie my regrets and mistakes, the old me who was looked down and pushed to the back. But my future holds a new me, who will make a difference in the kingdom of God, who has a beautiful calling.

The person I have become over the last 6 months has all been thanks to wonderful people God has placed in my life over the past 6 months.

To the Gomez family: a beautiful family who God placed in my life. I never ever got close to my friend's family the way I have to them. They have not only taken me in as a friend, but as a fake daughter. Michelle, the most wonderful friend in the world! who has continued to be a rock in my life, and will probably never know how much I owe her for being where I am. Thank you for sharing your wonderful family with me.

To the Rivera family: my awesome Y.A. pastors who took me in like true shepards and stood in the gap for me through many prayers, and took a chance on a girl who was a mess and saw beyond it. You guys have made a bigger impact than you think in my life. I love you both so much!!

To my family by faith: la familia, who continued to love on me when many walked out. Your faithfulness has taught me the true meaning of friendship.

AND last but most importantly my family, who though didn't understand, have stood by my side and yet given me the freedom to walk the path God called me to. Who, although I miss very much, have seen my happiness and never manipulated me into going down the road they are. They have given me the liberty to walk my own steps and I could never thank them enough for this.

Leaving Ur has been a time full of oxymorons. But life doesn't need to make sense. Nothing in the bible made sense to people, until they started to trust in God and forget all and just took the first step.

2012, Im not looking back, but I sure am going to look forward.

Here we go.

Appendicitis

2011-12-05T13:04:00.000-08:00

This weekend my family had quite the scare when my sister had to get emergency surgery to get her appendix removed. I spent the night with her in the hospital and just kept thinking how I couldnt understand how such a useless part of the body could do so much harm. The appendix does nothing. Doctors have long debated what it does, or what it really is. The only thing they do agree on is that it does nothing now.

I began to think how the body of christ (the church) works, and I realized one thing: many churches have appendixes. These are people who don't do anything, and on top of that don't know what they were created for or are confused about their purpose. The thing many people don't know about appendicits is that if not treated, it can burst. If it bursts, you are in big danger. The infection turns the appendix into a poison for the rest of the organs that it comes in contact with, and if one doesn't get to the ER on time one could die.

Don't be an appendix. I refuse to be something that's useless, jusr taking up space. I refuse to let myself become so contaminated that I become poisonous to the body I belong to.

1 corinthians 12: 1-11 is titled unity through diversity. My favorite verses are 4-7:

There are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are differences of ministries, but the same Lord. And there are diversities of activities, but it is the same God who works all in all. But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to each one for the profit of all:

I DON'T HAVE TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I just have to be who God created me to be in the grace He has given me. If I never would have found out my purpose, the reason of my existence, then I would be no different than an appendix. If I never would have started to walk in the gifts God gave me, then I would have became poisonous in my bitterness, in my unhappiness, in my unworthyness.

Find your gifts. Develope your gifts. Don't be an appendix.

The Greatest of These

2011-11-30T21:14:00.000-08:00

We all know the 10 commandments. We learned them in cute little songs in Sunday school, where we got stickers that said "Jesus Loves YOU!" when we memorized all 10 of them. In Matthew 22, the Pharisees were so determined to catch Jesus off guard just to prove he was not the son of God. One of them, the bible says, was an expert in the law. He asked Jesus in verse 36 "Jesus, which is the greatest commandment in the law?" and the bible says:

³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’⁴⁰ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

If you know anything about me, or better yet, if you SHOULD know anything about me, it's that my favorite scripture in the bible is 1 Corinthians 13. It is the most thorough explaination of what love is, what it isn't, what it consists of, and how valuable it is. Love never fails. I began to think why love was so important that Jesus would say it was the greatest commandment to love the Lord your God and that the second would also be about love: to love your neighbor as yourself.

I kept thinking. Why Love?

Then it hit me.

John 3:16. For God so LOVED the world.

1 John 4:8 says:
"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. "

All of a sudden I had a different explaination for my favorite scripture in the bible. Replace the word love with God from verses 1-12. Paul then ends it by saying that out of hope, faith, and love the greatest is love.

Lets go back to John 3:16. God is love. And because he so LOVED the world, he gave us a second chance, a chance to redeem ourselves through the blood of his only son. Because God so loved the world, God is patient, God is kind, God never fails....because Love is God. God is Love.

God so loved the world, that He gave his one and only son. So it had to be through love, that Jesus hung on the cross for US. I am pretty sure He hung on that cross thinking "If my father loves them, then I have to do this" because love does not seek its own. Through Love, God keeps forgiving us because love keeps no record of wrong. Through love, the Holy Spirit was given to us to guide us because love always protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.

It is with love that we experience the most crucial moments in our lives. Women, with love, give birth to their babies. It is with love that we are raised. It is with love that we join to another in marriage. It is with love that we are sexually intimate with our spouse (making love!).

With that same love, the greatest commandment is that we are to give our hearts, soul, and minds to God, because it was love that caused Him to give his only son for us. With that same love, we are to love our neighbors, because Jesus died for them too.

Because He so loved the world. We should too.

"Many waters cannot quench this love". It makes, to me, so much sense now.

Stella and the Big Comfy Couch

2011-11-29T20:09:00.000-08:00

Her name is Stella.

During the winter, the kids cannot take a trip to the park so we open up the play room area for them as their recess space. I think they get more excited about going to play with the toys than they actually do about going outside to get some fresh air.

Every day she faithfully goes and searches for her favorite little stuffed puppy dog and comes to sit on my lap.

All the kids run rampant throughout the room.

She stays on my lap.

I looked at her today very different. As a assistant teacher, I find myself playing many roles at my job. I play the nurse, the booboo kisser, the janitor, the crowd controler, the guard, and most of the time I am the one they run to when my boss says no and see if I'm the sucker who will say yes.

Today I realized I played the role of a couch.

Not literally, but I began to think exactly how she felt at the moment wrapped around my arms, that she would choose to always sit on my lap instead of being a regular 3 year old and playing with the toys. The answer was simple: she felt safe. There was something about sitting on my lap that she valued more than playing around. Safety. I began to think about my safe place, a place where I felt safe, a place where I could drop my guard and sort of disconnect myself from the world.

Obvious as it is, I never realized it was my room. It is here that I find my place of quiet. In this room many tears have flowed. I've cried out to God during the hardest time here. In here, I have had the greatest revelations. I can escape and read a good book here. In here I can drop my guard and take off the mask I've been wearing all day. I can let out my emotions here. I can cry here. I can worship in here. This room has seen both good days and bad days. But its almost the only place I can get from everything.

A safe place can be anything. Your car, in the arms of a loved one, the shower, a piano, a family room, in the company of a best friend, even your job.

I kept looking at my little Stella, and although everyone was having an awesome time playing with buzz lightyear and barbie dolls, she had the biggest smile on her face.

Because there was nothing more important at the moment than to be sitting on my lap, wrapped in my arms, knowing that I wouldn't reject her.

Because at that moment, I was her big comfy couch.

Preparing

2011-11-28T20:41:00.000-08:00

This year has been quite the frustrating one in the "significant other" department. It began to feel like everyone was falling in love, going on romantic dates while I was stuck at work or at home doing nothing. Although I am extremely happy for all it became hard to not feel left out. Not to mention, every guy that has come and gone in the last few years of my life have had something I wrote down on my list. One is a pastor. One is independent. One has family values. Another, a great love for kids. All were wrong.

I've recently began to ask God to give me a vision of what HE wants for me. No, it is not the greatest revelation, but to me it has been the hardest thing to do. I'm a planner. I cannot, for the life of me, do things day by day. I carry a planner with me so that I can visualize what the month is going to look like and I need to know what is going to happen every hour. Spontaneity= my worst enemy. I think I have mini panic attacks when I don't know whats going on. Gving up my sense of control has been an extreme process for me.

If you know me, I tend to do things the...not so traditional way. I have read and studied books on Ruth, Esther, Deborah, Abigail, Hannah, etc. I have read Proverbs 31 a million times! I have books on becoming the perfect wife. Yet, none have opened my eyes like Potiphar's wife, Delilah, Jezebel, Vashti, Sapphira, and the Samaritan woman.

All these woman were jacked up. They were driven by desire, greed, power, control. Who knows what they all went through to become so cold, so angry, so greedy. I refuse to become any of them. I never want to become so driven by desire that I would be willing to frame someone, I never want to be so money hungry that I would use a man to get what I want. I refuse to be a manipulator, driven by power and control that I would become so evil and cold hearted, that God himself would never have mercy on me. I would humble myself, and never embarrass my husband. I would correct my husband, and never allow myself to support a decision that could get him and I killed. I would never want to be so caught up in trying to find a man that fits "just right", that I would not understand what Jesus himself is trying to speak to me.

I have learned to focus less on what I want, and focus more on what I am supposed to be. The greatest man could be standing right in front of me and even if I could check off everything on my list, it would mean nothing if I don't become the woman who has everything he wants on his. God has showed me who I need to become, and although the path to get to where I need to be seems never ending, I remind myself that everything I do is for my future, and although I don't see the "benefits" now, God is just preparing me more along the way. He isn't preparing me so the I can receive my husband, but he is preparing me so that I can give EVERYTHING I become to a man who I will complete, compliment, and even benefit.

I had been taught that I am to sit and look pretty, pray and fast till I have no more strength, and to learn how to "wait".

I am NOT waiting. HE is. I am simply preparing myself. And when I am all set and done then God will be able to give one of his most precious jewels (me!!) to a man who will be blessed to have found me.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. -

Proverbs 18:22

Mi Familia

2011-11-23T23:40:00.000-08:00

Although I love my family, this year I have learned the true meaning of a family. It is NOT blood. It is not anything close to being in the same family tree or having the last name. It doesn't mean having the same colored eyes or the same kind of nose. It has to do with who is there for you. At least for me, it is just what it is.

My family has a bunch of last names. Gomez, Melendez, Cajigas, Martinez, and Chaparro (for now thats it). They have been the closest thing I have had to a family ever. During the craziest time of my life, each and everyone of them checked on me. They all held me in their prayers. They made sure (even if they weren't aware) that I had a smile on my face. They gave me the most sincere advice to help me. We joke around that we are "la familia", but I don't think that they know exactly how much they really mean to me, and how I truly take our name to heart.

We are all different, more than you can imagine. Theres Michelle: she's got the strongest character I have ever come across. Strong-willed. To me, she has always been my 911. EVERYTIME I needed her she was there in a heartbeat. Even when we fell off, she was quick to fill that spot in my life of being someone I can lean on. She has become the true meaning of a sister. She pushes me in every area of my life. WE FIGHT. Oh boy do we fight. But there is nothing that could come between the love that I have for her. Gabby: Our friendship has been an extremely rocky one. We didn't exactly have a legit friendship until this summer, but she teaches me so much and I don't think she realizes it. Through her I have learned what it means to go after your dreams. How to follow your passions. How to wait. Even when I hated her, her kindness broke me. Veronica: We have been friends since we were like 7 or 9. She is the most inappropriate person I have ever met! Her transperancy is refreshing though. She has never lied about who she is. She probably understand me more than the others, and knows my struggles personally more than the others. She has loved me through every mistake, because most of the time, we find ourselves in the same situation. Julius: Julius...is the closest thing I have to a brother. Somehow when I am with him I feel beyond puertorican, lol. But he has the biggest heart. He has taught me through his situations how to not become bitter, and that truly, not all guys are the same. Jonathon: Jon's dancing. Thats all I have to say. No I'm just kidding. He is funniest guy I have ever met. He is also the strongest. His accomplishments have pushed me to expect more for myself. His smile is contagious. I think that boy can brighten up anyone's day. Chris: we rarely get together, but in the few hours (in a month) that I talk to him, he teaches me so much. That boy speaks life into things that I don't see a solution to. His prayer life is no joke, neither is his love for God. His shimmy cracks me up. Most importantly, he has taught me the true meaning of focus. And our newest family member, Julio: that guy always catches me doing the strangest things. He makes me feel like I am the funniest person ever sometimes. He looks tough, but he is actually quite the teddy bear (mich don't tell him I said that!!) He has taught me that there is a species of men out there that actually do things the old school away. He has taught me how to be happy for others, because of him my best friend is the happiest I have ever seen her.

All different. All VERY different. But they are all Mi Familia.

and I love them more than they can imagine.

No one to impress

2011-11-20T21:21:00.000-08:00

I had a conversation with a good friend today about where God has taken us out of and where life is now taking us. In the middle of that conversation I realized: I have no one to impress.

I had spent a good portion of my life going through the motions and always making sure I fit the standards of other people. I had to pray the right way, dress the part, talk the part, even my worship had to "fit the mold". Even with that mentality, I was never good enough. I never made the cut. God was still "working" on me. Someone was always better me. If I protested, it was because I was jealous.

Or so I was told.

I came home today and realized that the majority of my happiness, the glow, the reason I smile now is because I realize the woman I am, the one I have ALWAYS had the potential to be. You see, with others I never made the cut. I couldn’t change their mind no matter how high I jumped or what mountains I moved. This year I saw how strong I am, how extravagant my worship is, how powerful my words are, how I don't only make the cut but am worthy of being born for such a time as this, that God would create me with a purpose for my generation. I realized that when life stopped being about people pleasing and how it started being about making sure I was in the will God, I became the happiest I have ever been.

I have no regrets. I have no bitterness. Through all that unnecessary people pleasing, God had a purpose. My heart bursts with joy at the thought of all that I can become now, and I have my past to thank for that. I know who NOT to become.

There is no one to impress now, and that in itself has impressed more people than ever.

My Furnace

2011-11-17T21:32:00.000-08:00

In the book of Daniel, chapter 3, you will find a story about 3 young men by the names of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Their king had created an image of gold, a new "god" that everyone had to bow down to and worship. They of course, being god-fearing men, disobeyed and refused to worship the golden image. The king become infuriated, and ordered for them be bound and thrown into a furnance (that was also heated 7 times more than usual) and figured that they would be done with. He looked into the furnace and saw that they were still alive and there seemed to be another man in there with them, a man who was like a son of God. The king ordered the men out of the furnace and saw that nothing on them was burned. Not even a hair.

Thats where people become amazed by the story.

I recently read this story again in the bible, and something caught my eye this time that I never paid attention to. In The Message version, the bible says that they were bound hand and foot, giving them no ability to move around so that they did not try to escape. However, in verse 25 it tells us that they were walking around freely.

Let me stop there. The thing that most stood out to me this time, and that really impacted me was that they were not bound anymore! The fire burned only one thing on them: what bound them. The fire that was meant to kill them actually freed them! I cannot even begin to tell you how much this little bit of revelation has changed the way I see this whole year now. My furnace, my trials, my hardships, and my tests weren't meant for anything else other than to free me! I didn't quite understand everything that happened this year, the way that it happened. The furnace people threw me in was meant to kill me, and I'm sure that they figured I was dead. But...

look at me. I am free, and the son of God is with me.

:)

My love language

2011-11-17T21:30:00.000-08:00

You have been perfectly hidden from the most important people in my life. If people put us in a room together, they would never figure out the way I feel about you; with you I have become the master of supressing feelings. I have a thousand reasons to hate you. I have a million reasons to stay away. Somewhere in all those reasons, I cannot seem to find the one of why I care about you so much. I wish that I could be angry at you, or even bitter, but I'm not. I wish that I could be nonchalant when it comes to you. I wish that somewhere deep down inside I could gather up a good speech to tell you how heart broken I am.

Instead I pray for you every night. I smile at random memories and funny moments we had. In the midst of the pain, I ask God to keep you, and use you. I tell Him of all the potential you have.

This is definitely a "had-to-go-through-this" experience. I have never had to lie about who I am with you. I had the most sincere laughs with you. I learned to drop my guard down, and saw all those walls that I had built. I learned so much about the way that I love. I gave all my heart. I learned what it was to feel safe in the arms of someone else. I learned to care for someone for who they were. Most importantly, I learned what it feels like to be happy for someone else, even if that comes at the cost of a heart break.

Somewhere down the line I wished you had left me alone. I wished you would have walked away sooner. I now thank you.

"you will know forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well"

Wounds,Scabs, Scars

2011-07-19T18:05:00.000-07:00

"Don't pick at your scabs". It's a phrase I grew up hearing my mom say all the time. See, being the little stubborn girl that I was, I always picked at them. It was annoying to feel a scab anywhere, it was almost like it demanded that I pick at it. When I would then the whole process would start again. Wound. Scab. and then maybe the scar.

The scars on my body have a story behind them. Chicken pox, serious accidents, and some clumsy days. I could tell you why each one happened, where and why. But what about those that no one can see? The scars in our lives have a story to behind them as well. They are proof that there was once a wound.

See, in this life you will get wounds. These wounds will be cause by friends, family, people that you loved and respected. Sometimes these wounds will be caused even by yourself. The point is, life is not and never will be just a smooth ride; life will leave you with some scars. Our job is to make sure that these wounds actually turn into scars, and do not stay scabs forever.

Whatever difficult situation you may find yourself in, rejoice! It's an opportunity to make a collection of wonderful scars, victory scars. You don't want to go through life with scabs, because just as it is physically painful, it is emotionally painful as well.

Learn from your wounds. Determine what caused them, figure out how to prevent them next time, and let them heal. Don't pick at life's unfortunate happenings, but let bygones be bygones and move on to let these wounds heal. Life WILL be rough. Circumstances won't always be fair. Situations can't always be changed. It won't be easy. But remember, scars in life just prove how you were able to heal from wounds.

Thank You God for my scars.

Swept off my feet

2011-07-10T21:55:00.000-07:00

Today was honestly the first time in years that I could honestly say that I truly felt that I was in LOVE with my God. I don't think many could understand what I mean by this. See, sometimes life tends to get a little routine. You go to church 4 times throughout the week and you say your 10 "amen"s and 5 "that's right"s and you serve in every ministry you possibly could, but you sort of forget the picture of things. At least I know I did. These past few weeks, I have honestly came back to my first love. I never left Him, but I simply forgot to acknowledge what my purpose was in everything that I was doing- and that is simply glorifying Him. I exist for the sole purpose of exalting Him because He is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. He has been such a gentleman with me in the sense that even though it took me a couple of years to feel this love again, He never left side. And I love Him so much more for that.

God swept me off my feet today. He waited for me to run to Him and he picked me up in His loving arms and loved me back today. This whole day I've been on a love high. I just feel him everywhere with me. I literally feel His presence...

I am so in love right now.

Learning to trust in Him daily

2011-06-21T19:54:00.000-07:00

Its a little hard to wake up everyday and find yourself not doing what you imagined you would be at the moment...

Life can be so routine, and yet sometimes it can be so surprising. At my age, at this time, I imagine that I would be graduating with an associates. I pictured myself having the responsibilities of an adult and yet living life carelessly. Because of certain life situations I then found myself living in another state, finding out who I really was and learning the abilities I had in myself that I did not know. Still, there was peace in my heart that God had taken me out of a bad situation and had me under his wing. The process wasn't easy, yet it was re-assuring. When I thought I had it all together, other situations got in the way again. Coming back home was the hardest thing I had to do. Re-adjusting and getting back into the sync of things back at home was quite...painful. Yet again, I felt peace because I knew that God was guiding me.

I am now lost. Never in my life have I been so confused, so angry, so empty. Finding yourself not doing the things you imagined you would be and hating the things you love is scary. Not knowing the next step is scary. Finding that you are also changing as a person is the cherry on top of the scary-ness. Not that I don't trust in God, but for the first time in my life I simply don't know what to do. Learning to trust in God is, yes, wonderful, but at the same time quite...scary. He can change your world, turn it upside down and you'll yourself in a place you didn't think you would be in.

I can't really see where God can take me from here. I'm constantly wondering if the decisions I'm making are the right ones. But just like He's taken care of me through the good, He will take care of me through the bad. He hasn't forgotten my dreams, my desires, my heart, although I sometimes think He has. He simply has a plan for, and I need to understand that I don't need to know every detail of it yet. When I'm lost all I need to do is hold on to His hand and feel peace that wherever He is taking me, it is all part of his master plan. When I'm empty I need to hold on to the promises in his word, know that I am never alone, and he fills me with his love. When I'm angry I need to cast my burdens on him and let him be my avenger.

My life has been quite the journey. He has always come through for me. Although I may find myself in a place that I don't understand what is going on, I can learn to trust in Him daily.

Back on the shelf

2011-05-31T20:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gone shopping, find an article of clothing you absolutely fall in love with and then put it back on because you didn't have shoes that went with it or maybe an occassion to wear it to? A couple weeks later you find yourself regretting the decision because you have nothing to wear and you say “I wish I would have bought it".

Many times we are like this with the ones we find to be in a relationship with. We have a list of a thousand qualities that we wish to find, and when God brings someone who has everything we ask for we decide that maybe they need to be "put on the shelf" due to "a lose button, a string thats out of place", or because its not something we are "used to wearing". We get so caught up in the what-ifs that we don't realize how God has answered our prayers. We have been blinded by society's fantasy scenarios in where the girl/boy of our dreams walks in the room, eyes lock, hearts connect, and its love at first sight. Some of the best relationships went through the worst of the worst before being who they are now. Some had the privilege of being best friends. Others had the difficulty of being enemies. Whatever the case is, all successful relationships have one thing in common: they made a decision to love without regrets.

Stop to think if God has answered your prayers...maybe its not in the form you thought it would be, but its still an answered prayer. Don't look for things that God has brought to you already. It's like winning the lottery and never turning in the ticket and you keep on buying tickets...stupid right?

Why do people search for things that they already had/have...

Out with the old

2011-05-04T18:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, you have to love those "what was I thinking?" moments. If you don't learn to love them, they end up regrets, and quite frankly, life is too short to live with regrets. I can't say that it isn't hard or tempting to want to blame situations, people, or experiences; but what I am saying is you got to pick yourself up, move on, and let go.

OUT WITH THE OLD. IN WITH THE NEW.

How simply said. Yet, hard to accomplish. As human beings, it is in our nature to want to hold grudges, because it is easier to be mad than to really look in the mirror and see the part we played to get into the situations we find ourselves in. As human beings, it is easier to blame someone than to admit we were in the wrong, simply because the idea that we had poor judgement is actually quite scary.

OUT WITH THE OLD. IN WITH THE NEW.

My heart felt...a relief when I saw this quote. I've heard it many times before but it never really hit me like it did today. Sometimes I forget what God has planned for my life and that He doesn't care about what others say or think about me. He only cares that I am willing and able. I forget that he isn't a tyrant. He IS my father. As many times as I fall, all he wants me to do is to tell him "Abba, I need your help" so that he can come to my rescue. OF COURSE, He will discipline me. He doesn't want me to become a spoiled brat and abuse his love and grace. He does, however, want to show me that although I may get a little scratch here, a little bruise there, that those wounds heal. He doesn't want me to contemplate on the fall, or be scared or getting up again. My God teaches me that its okay to brush off those wounds, and keep walking.

OUT WITH THE OLD. IN WITH THE NEW.

This week I've learned that life doesn't always go as you planned. People come and go. Circumstances don't always stay the same. Things fade away. It's okay to let things, and people, go. Even memories. God has a greater plan for our lives. If we could just grab hold of that promise in Jeremiah 1:5, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.", our lives might just seriously not seem so...hopeless.

OUT WITH THE OLD. IN WITH THE NEW.

Let God give you a clean slate. He's got greater things in store for you.

Sometimes you just need to write a new book

2011-04-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

You've heard it many times, the usual "don't close the book, just write a different chapter" quote. Although it is true to a certain extent, I wondered today why no one says "just write a different book".

When I think about reading a book, I know two things for sure: a) I know it's about a particular story and b) that it will eventually have an ending. But can you imagine reading a book that never ends? It's almost like these english soaps that never finish and have been going on air for years! yet the drama, the plots, the point is always the same. Now even worse...can you imagine living a life with a story that never changes?

Sometimes you just need to write a new book in life. If you're tired of the same story in your life, close that book! It's the true meaning of starting fresh. Change the plot, the characters, and the setting. Lately, I've been asking God to write a new book of me. One that doesn't have to be hidden, or put in a section for no one to read. I want my new book to be one that people can read and learn from, one that might teach someone something to carry on in their lives. Life doesn't have to be the "same story, just different chapters". If you need some changes in life, I encourage you to start today, and write a different book.

Lead the way

2011-04-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

"Lead the way". Ive told God many times that He has my heart, that He's got full control, and countless times I've said "in You I trust".

But I failed.

I didn't understand how to trust God FULLY without having to ruin his plan with my genius plans, or how to give up my control over situations and let Him fight my battles. That is until I ran into some pictures of when I was younger. I realized that in those pictures my world, my security, my superhero, my safety, was my father. I would never question why we didn't have a house. I never question why our christmas tree was extremely small. I never questioned why I didn't have my own room, or why we lived in a bad neighborhood. To me, I had everything in the world. I didn't lack anything, so I thought. I had everything I needed because I had a father who I thought gave me the World.

So why couldn't I feel like that with the God who created me? Why did I always feel the need to tell him "but God, I need..."? Why couldn't I let him lead the way without having to pull his arms and tell him "You're going the wrong way"? Simply because I didn't understand that He IS my father, and I am His daughter. As a daughter I need to trust him. I need to know that while God is "away working" he is actually putting my life together and all he wants me to do is focus on the moment in front of me, and not worry. He wants me to be anxious in nothing.

If you dont understand why certain things are happening or have happened...you don't need to! God just wants you to trust him. Enjoy the dance of life. Let him lead the way.

Fragrant

2011-04-13T16:53:00.000-07:00

hn 12:3 NKJV
"Then Mary took a pound of very costly oil of spikenard, annointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the oil."

This, out of all the stories in the Bible, has always been my favorite story. It's only 8 verses long and yet, to me, was the most impacting. When I was little, I used to think how lucky Mary was to have the privilege of annointing Jesus' feet. Now I see the story from a whole new perspective. See, Mary wasn't your typical "Proverbs 31" woman. She came with a lot of history. She came with a lot of pain. She came with a almost "stay away sign" that most people had put on her. To her, Jesus was truly a savior. She longed to please Him- not to be seen, but show her gratitude. She could not find enough words to show him, so she used the one thing she could think of that would honor him. And she made history. Her act has inspired many songs, many poems, and hymns. But her act has more importantly, inspired me. At many times I find myself at that point where I'm surrounded with people who look on and doubt, where I'm too scared to even come to Him because I fear rejection. It's hard to ignore those comments. "Here we go again". "What happened now?". "Who does she think she is?". Walking towards Jesus was Mary's first step. She had to ignore the comments. She had to get past the faces. She had to focus on Jesus. Presenting the oil was the second step. Present your oil to God. In worship. In prayer. In offering. In poems. Whatever it is, don't let anyone put a "standard" to your fragrant offering. It's from your heart (1 Samuel 16:7). Third, she poured the oil on his feet. No one has to understand, because it's between you and God. Mary blocked out everyone who was in the room and poured out the most expensive thing she had. You don't need expensive oil to please God. But what you do with your time- offer it to Him. Spend hours in His presence and He will give you songs, poems, even ideas! Present it to Him as a fragrant offering.

Now comes my favorite part of verse 3. "And the whole house was filled with the fragrance of the oil". Jesus wasn't the only one who received the sweet aroma of her offering. Others did too. They smelled what Jesus smelled. When you present your fragrant offer to God, it impacts others, whether you realize it or not.

I want my offering to be fragrant. Not only to God, but to those who surround me. That I may impact others by my actions. That I may fill the house with "fragrance of my oil" in everything that I do. In every song I sing. In every poem I write. In every child I work with. In everything that I do. I want to be like Mary and not care who surrounds me, but focus on Him. My savior, redeemer, and King. My Jesus.